Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”