Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.