“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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Choose your fighter
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Software Development ⛵️
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.