Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no