Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

watching gymnastics

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

new shirt idea

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.