I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
You had me at “define legal”.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.