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just gave my 5yo power of attorney
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Whoa 😂
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
definitely did not do anything wrong
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes