I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.