I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
What’s so funny?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.