I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.