I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.