“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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The Compass
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Erm…
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.