“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning