“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.