I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
You Might Also Like
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.