I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…