Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Optional boss fight.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.