I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”