ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
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[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
dam girl
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.