I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.