Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Orange is oranging 🟠

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.