I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!