Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

selfie game

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.