I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
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A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.