Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

can’t believe I got front row seats

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

me when I see my crush

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”