Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.