Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)