to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.