“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots