“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
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5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
pls suprot
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it