I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%