I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
CRYING
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!