Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Found my door mat

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

In case you needed to hear it:

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

2022 will be better than 2021

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.