Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

This is a bad sign

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.