Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.