I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Jail
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Bear knowledge
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people