Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex
I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*
Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy