@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

You Might Also Like

@iamburtjarvis

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

@mommy_cusses

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

@dumbbeezie

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

@dafloydsta

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

@dafloydsta

Genie: Sure about this?
Me: C’mon do it
Genie: It’s your last wis-
Me: I WANNA BE RICH
Genie: Alakazam! Hi Rich, I’m Genie

@BruceForce

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@iYoungKhalifa

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!