I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.


When people say my dog’s cute, naturally I thank them as if I created him


I don’t think people outside of England understand that the “it’s coming home” thing was a joke at first because we had no hope but it actually might be coming home and now we don’t know what to do with ourselves


*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me


In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.


“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”


When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes


“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob


“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.