@NintenDom: I'm going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
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@panmidwest: THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day! ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
@ComedicBust: WIFE: Why are you bleeding? ME [recovering alcoholic]: *flashback to sliding across the hood of my car in the Arby’s parking lot* BAR FIGHT
@PajamaBen_: *dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*