I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

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me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!


So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.


Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name


[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.


Genie: Sure about this?
Me: C’mon do it
Genie: It’s your last wis-
Genie: Alakazam! Hi Rich, I’m Genie


Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”


[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?


Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!