@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

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@Jerrypleasure

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex

@SketchesbyBoze

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

@samfromks

*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…

@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

@IndecisiveJones

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

@CopernicusG

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

@MourningGlory_

Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

@mom_ontherocks

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy