Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year