I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
You Might Also Like
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Day 2 of my diet
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?