I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex