Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.