I’m going to need a moment here.
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CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫