Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Roombas should bark

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!