I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
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My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.