I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
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MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
aesthetic
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself