I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Huge, if true.
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.