Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!