I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Where’s my employee discount too?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.