I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”