Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].