I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”