I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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If looks could kill
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.