Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

I don’t make the rules sorry

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”