Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.