I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
groan^2
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.