I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
no way 😭
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.