I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
LMAO
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.