I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now