I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.