England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.