I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
You Might Also Like
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Confused owl: What?!
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
#DesignFail
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign