I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES