I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there