I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
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[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
road rage
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.