I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.