I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
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me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.