I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
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I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that